Was it an accident?

When we finally announced that we were expecting our second child we were immediately hit with questions.  Some very typical questions such as when are you due?  Do you know what you’re having?  Have you picked out any names?  And then there was one that I was asked multiple times that wasn’t so typical...  Was it an accident?

Here’s what most people don’t know because I didn’t talk about it openly, but would gladly share if anyone asked.  We struggled with infertility.  Our first daughter was conceived within 2 months of me getting off of birth control.  When she was 2 and a half I again got off birth control.  We didn’t expect that it would take over 4 years to get pregnant again.

I can see how people might wonder since there is going to be a 7 and a half year age gap between them.  People assumed I only wanted one child.  Those that didn’t bother to ask didn’t know that I just simply wasn’t able to have another one.  As the years passed and month after month the tests were negative, I decided that perhaps it just wasn't in the cards for me anymore. I didn't feel like it was my place to be mopey and upset about struggling with infertility when so many others have a much worse struggle than I did. I decided I should be grateful for the one child that God did bless me with, focus on her, and that if anymore happened to come along in the future we would of course be thrilled and grateful for them too.

To me, for someone to assume that my baby is an accident is to imply that she is not wanted or that I am irresponsible.  Let the record show that she is VERY much wanted and VERY much hoped for.  And as long as I am married, in a healthy relationship, and able to care for her, DOES IT REALLY MATTER???

The topic of having children is a touchy subject on many levels and I’ve learned I get different reactions from people in the church than people outside of the church.  People in the church seem to think that women need to be baby factories and pop them out one right after the other.  People outside the church think the age gap is perfectly normal and don’t even think twice about it, but when you get to about 4+ children they start to look at you strangely. 

We have such an emphasis in the LDS culture on families and multiplying and replenishing the earth that people sometimes forget their manners.  In the church’s handbook of instruction it says, “The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord.  Church members should not judge one another in this matter.”  You don’t know how badly I want to get up in sacrament meeting and read that from the pulpit!  Isn’t it sad that we have to have a handbook to remind us how to be polite?  If it wasn’t an issue, they wouldn’t have published it.  (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2012)

All I’m saying is when it comes to the topic of having children, may we all remember to be sensitive, courteous, and respectful to others because it really isn’t any of our business.  We don’t know what the other person’s situation is and we could never fully understand unless we had walked in their shoes.

Image source: https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/child-baby-kiss-607530?lang=eng