Image source: http://ktliterary.com/2011/12/guest-post-don%E2%80%99t-be-afraid-of-the-m-word/
The dreaded “M” word. It’s always awkward to bring up in relationships, but it was always something I felt needed to be discussed. We have to see where things are going, right? I guess it got too awkward though, because kids these days are taking it out of their vocabulary completely.
Growing up LDS I was very well educated on the importance of marriage and the family. I had wonderful examples in my parents and grandparents. Marriage was always the ultimate goal in life.
Last week when we learned about the decline of marriage in our country and ways to prepare for marriage, it all seemed pretty obvious to me. But I was curious if people not of our faith actually felt the way the book said they do about marriage. (Well it also said LDS youth do too, but I’ve worked with the youth for years and haven’t experienced that here) So I had to find a young person to ask. The target: my daughter’s horseback riding trainer.
We’ve known Tristan and his family for several years now. My daughter has been riding on their farm since she was 4. They’re a wonderful family with good values. Tristan is in his very early 20’s and he’s still in college. He and I often discuss what we’re studying in our different classes. So when I approached him and said I wanted to ask him some questions for research purposes, he was open to the idea.
He’s been dating his high school girlfriend for 4 years now. When I found that out I was a bit shocked. I said, “And you haven’t married her yet??” He laughed and said no. He said he had thought about it a few times, but dismissed it. I said, “Well she must not be bugging you about it either.” He said she wasn’t. Which again I found a bit odd because I assumed most women wanted commitment.
Then came the hard questions. I asked him if marriage was a goal for him in life. He said yes. I asked him what he thought he needed to do to be prepared or ready to get married and he honestly didn’t have a clue. He said, “Well I’ll have to think about that and get back to you.” He eventually came up with two answers for me. He said, “I suppose you really need to know the person first.” (4 years and you still don’t know her? Haha) His second answer was, “I’d like to have a real job”. Good answers, but I’m not convinced.
To me, if you have a goal in life whether it be to get a college degree, hike Mount Everest, or get married and have a family, you need to have a plan in place well before you can reach that goal. So why aren’t our young people prioritizing marriage?? I understand their reasoning—afraid of divorce, wanting to reach academic goals, etc.—but I still don’t get it. Why isn’t marriage and family important to the rising generations anymore? Don’t they realize that our society depends on families? Why don’t they want to fight for it? It’s like they’re self-defeated and don’t want to even try. (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2012)
Another interesting comment Tristan made to me during our conversation was, “Well don’t half of them end in divorce these days anyway?” I was happy to be able to set that record straight for him. I told him the truth about that statistic, the part they leave out. You see they do say that about half of all marriages end in divorce, BUT the key word there is ALL…it’s not just 1st time marriages! A lot of those failures are 2nd and 3rd attempts (possibly 4th and 5th too)! It’s the crazy people that are really screwed up and don’t learn their lessons before getting married again that are skewing that statistic for us and scaring a lot of people out of even trying to get married. I’m happy to report that Tristan was very relieved to learn that and actually felt more optimistic about marriage upon learning the truth about that study. (Hawkins, Dollahite, & Draper, 2012)
My goal as a Marriage and Family advocate is to change these negative views on marriage. It doesn’t have to be this “broken institution” that everyone thinks it has become. With the right tools and the right education we can bring it back.
If you’d like to learn more about preparing for marriage or improving your own, a quick and easy place to find some information is http://www.foryourmarriage.org/premarital-inventories/
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